For the last decade and a half, time has been the enemy. Thoughts like “I don’t have enough time,” and “I’m never going to get it all done” were my constant, depressing mantra. When my eldest child was a toddler, I preserved Thursday nights as my “writing night” and would run out the door to the local cafe as soon as my husband returned from work. Yet…I was so frazzled, so stressed, so emotional that I could not write. I could not create.
Scared writers do not play, do not create.
They hide.
I felt a little like this beautiful little fawn, which I spotted on my morning walk around this time. You hide when you’re scared. You can’t help it.
But what was I supposed to do?
Fast forward seven years, and all my children were finally in school. Now I will write, I thought, it will be so easy. I have so much time. As the other parents dropped off their littlest children at preschool, weeping, I dropped her off, skipping.
(I felt a little sad too. I’m not a monster.)
But did I write more while she was gone? Yes, but also—
I did dishes. DISHES. And I cleaned my house. A LOT. I took on ten piano students (as one does), became a ninja coach, and even enrolled my children in SOCCER—and promptly became the head coach. (Internal cringe.) And the PTA? Yep. I joined that too.
It didn’t matter that my kids were in school; I was still very good at ensuring that time was still the enemy. And I was exhausted.
“I have to get this done while my kids are in school.”
“I only have time for THIS thing only.”
“I can’t waste my time on Journaling/Poetry/Websites. I have to stay focused–!”
“I have to get it all done!”
These thoughts were very stressful. And stressed Rachel doesn’t create, at least not freely. Not with verve. Not with playfulness.
About two weeks before school this year, I was dreading the start of school. I just didn’t want to keep doing it all, but if I quit? I would have to disappoint people. I was journaling at my kitchen table when I had a (rather explosive) thought: Rachel, have the courage to go all in on your writing.
Going all in on writing would mean quitting what I must quit so I could have the energy to show up to the page every day. It would mean updating my website. It would mean joining a writing group and starting a writer’s gym. It would mean letting my creativity spark anyway it wanted to. And it would mean writing manuscripts FAST.
But to do it, I would have to find the courage to tell everyone “No.”
And so…I did.
I quit all the things.
And when I did, everything changed.
I now let things take time. I’m not panicked, not worried. And yet–I’m spending more time creating than I ever have before. I’m beginning to learn to trust myself, my intuition, and to rest when I need rest–before I need rest, even.
Which led me to this shocking revelation:
Time was never the problem.
Trying to “make everyone else happy” was the problem.
I feel nothing but affection for the writer-who-existed-before-me. Younger Rachel did so much for me, and I love her for it.
But goodness–
This is way more fun.
And that is today’s far more useful mantra. Happy creating friends!
This was so good. I NEEDED this! Thank you for posting!